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Post by Castoro Chiaro on Sept 2, 2008 3:25:21 GMT -5
This is an interesting concept. My only qualms with it are the comma splices and the pace. Several of the sentences you have feel too long, because instead of a period you've punctuated them with a comma. This creates an uncomfortably long sentence that feels disjointed and hard to follow.
Secondly, the pace. Slow down a little, it feels like you jump from one subject to the next before developing the former. Take time to set up a scene before changing it.
I hope my critique is appreciate. I'm not trying to sound smart or insult your work, just tryin' to offer some advice. I do like the concept of Auto trying to make things the way they were. Sadly, he probably would do that, seeing as he knows nothing else. Poor wheel.
Keep going, I can't wait to see how this ends!
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